Here’s the thing I get attached. I get very attached and I don’t like to let go. I don’t get attached to everyone. In fact it can take a lot for me to let you in but if you’re in, you’re in. It’s hard work though and I need to give myself a break. So here I am laying myself out again in another blog giving a little insight into the workings of my mind hoping it might resolve something for me. Yes it will be self indulgent but I don’t care.
Honesty is the best policy. I’m clingy. I’m needy. I get attached and I stay attached. I don’t like to let go. Like I said before it can take a while to let people in. This is because of the neediness and attachment stuff. I got to make sure you seem like you can handle it. Although I’ll be honest again, my track record of judging who can handle it or deserves it hasn’t been too great as of now. I’m working on it though. Self improvement is constant. Chances are though if you made it in you did something good.
Once I’ve got you I will bug you until you answer me and give me attention. 🙂
There have been occasions where I have completely cut people out. Boy did they screw up. I don’t like doing it. It’s hard. If you’re one of those people that made a clean cut, chances are you ain’t ever getting back in. Everyone has a breaking point but we don’t need to discuss where mine is right now. Lets go back to my neediness and inability to let go.
If I’ve given you enough of a chance to be someone I rely on and show you my neediness then I’m likely to forgive. Forgive far too many times. Blame myself. This is bad. This comes from not letting too many people this stage of friendship so once you’re there, you’re hard to replace, I don’t want to start again so I give out too many chances. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes not so good. The blaming myself section really has got to stop. I just don’t like to give up on things which is why I send the fifth text in a row and pop up out of nowhere and demand a conversation. I care and just want you to show you care too.
I am getting better at not giving in and letting people back in or bugging people until I accept full responsibility for what they did and blaming myself for getting hurt and having them back. However, the chances are even if I did manage to cut you out, if it wasn’t a clean cut, I still think about you and replay everything in my mind around 500 times a day. This applies to all in my life, friends, boys, meals that I should have chosen but didn’t and most life decisions. Even if you don’t really hear from me anymore. I’m even talking about things that happened 5 years ago, yeah they’re still in the playlist of scenarios and relationships to think about in my mind. I like to think things will go back to how they were even if I know deep down they won’t.
You know what though? It’s okay. I get that I’m needy and get too attached. I also get that I need to stop torturing myself about what could have been and focus on other things. However, to those who think that’s easy.
Screw you. If it was easy I’d do it. Thanks to that great overactive imagination I have and all the time I have alone on my hand it’s not. I mean I applaud those you can just cut off people and be done. Those who don’t overthink and can just carry on as usual. Good for you. I mean it. That’s not me though. If you crack the initial shell and get to me, you’re in for the ride now. I don’t like to let go. Sure it may make me seem weak to some but I don’t think that caring can ever be that much of a drawback in life.
As much as I am a Queen and I know things will be okay in the long term, I like most (all) other humans need reassurance. I like to have people around me. I like to have people reach out and show they are interested and give me attention! I don’t like to fail with people and that’s the root of my neediness. So whilst it might annoy some and it may be a downfall how much I care and overthink past scenarios with people who aren’t in my life anymore it makes me me. I have to learn to accept these little things and to stop beating myself up about them.
Recently my overthinking has been in overdrive, probably as I begin to sit and do nothing but write my dissertation and so anything is free to distract me and it has really been getting to me. I couldn’t understand why I allow things to keep entering my mind. Why I allowed myself to reminiscence about events and fall outs which still upset me. Why I allow people in and let them hurt me. Thinking about it in the form of a blog and writing it out, as strange as it may seem to some does help. It helps me think about it in a different way and reflect. Whilst I’m not saying it’ll help me stop overthinking and reminiscing or stop my neediness and attachments it helps me view it in a different way. Maybe someday it will help someone else as they read it realise they aren’t the only one and make them feel better too. For now it has helped me realise I need to stop giving myself such a hard time about getting attached and struggling to let go, its normal and caring isn’t a bad thing. Anyway I’ve rambled enough for now and made myself feel better so job done.
Until next time…