As I mentioned in my first blog my hope is that this blog will help me come to terms with the new challenges and changes in my life. It is by no means a place to attack others or make them feel bad. It is simply to help me. This post is a very honest and fresh one for me. Some people may not like it, as I will talk about a new breakup and my thoughts on it: air my dirty laundry if you may. It has helped me though because it’s helped me realise it wasn’t all my fault and there was nothing more I could do. Sometimes things don’t go the way you planned or hoped and sometimes you just get your heartbroken.
So, here we go… my first love and my first heartbreak.
I have just had my first relationship I don’t think I ever really anticipated how hard it would be to let go and move on. Sure I’ve been there for numerous break ups of my friends, been the one to tell them the girl/boy just isn’t worth it, you deserve so much better but I had never gone through it myself. Lemme tell you something on the off chance, you were like me: it sucks. Nothing anyone says can help. I feel bad for all the crap advice and words I gave to my friends as they went through it.
The relationship was great, not perfect, but is there such a thing? I felt so lucky to have met someone who treated me so well. Meeting them seemed to be the perfect end to my undergraduate degree. They just made the last few months so special to me. I had so much fun with them and fell in love, fast. I guess there was an air of naivety involved but I didn’t care. We didn’t even have to leave the house and he could surprise me and make me feel so loved and wanted. I didn’t understand how someone so caring and kind could love me. I doubted myself a lot but they often made me feel better. I wasn’t as open with my feelings or fears as I could have been, ultimately one of the downfalls in our relationship.
I recently found out that my ex has moved on with a lovely Facebook post celebrating his new relationship. Top tip for everyone: UNFOLLOW your ex. It doesn’t matter how much you trick yourself into thinking you’re fine, unfollow, block, remove as a friend because that is the worst way of finding out something you just didn’t need to know. I’m now left running through every scenario of how they met. If they met before we broke up – this is the strongest point of call in my mind at the moment because the timing is very suspicious as is all the reasoning. Although I don’t know for sure and never will. I’ve fixed my mistake now though and blocked, blocked, blocked! No more surprises.
I’m not perfect. There are a million reasons I wasn’t a good girlfriend, I get super needy, I doubt myself on a regular basis, I shut down and don’t let people in. To be honest, I’m not always a fan of cuddling or overly affectionate behaviour either. (I know, really selling myself here) I can get defensive quickly to stop myself from getting hurt and act annoyed when I’m scared and worried. But there are reasons, I like to think, that I was good. As my friends will tell you when I care about someone, I’m all in, whether they like it or not! I’ll put them first; I love an adventure and love making others happy. This relationship was definitely a learning curve for me, I learnt a lot about me and how a relationship really is. First loves are amazing. You feel special and wanted. It was exciting and each day brought new adventures.
However, I’ve also learnt the first heartbreak is awful. You have nothing to compare it to so it feels like the worst. If you’re anything like me you blame yourself for everything. I’ve gone over every little thing I did wrong. I’ve played the ‘What If’ game too many times to count. Another top tip: don’t play the ‘What If’ game, it’s not worth it and will just make you feel crap. Sometimes people just fall out of love I guess. I was told that they wanted to focus on other things, an easy way out for them I think. All my mind thinks now is they had a new girl to focus on. During the summer I was away and it was really hard. I said we should go on a break then break up because it was so hard. (The ‘What If” game on that situation has not been fun) It’s not been the same for them since. I should have known and they should have been honest all along.
Bringing me to my key word: HONESTY. Here I go down my cliché route but it’s so important. Being honest is hard and the truth really can hurt but you know what? It’s so much better. I should have been more honest with how much he meant to me because he’s later told me he never knew. I shouldn’t have been so afraid to tell him and let him in. I also shouldn’t have presumed he knew me well enough to tell. Hiding how you feel in something like a relationship is the worst whether it’s not telling them how in love you are or pretending you are. Lying doesn’t help. He should have been honest when I was sat crying before I left his house when I didn’t want my trip visiting him to end because I knew something was wrong. He should have told me in person then rather than telling me he wanted a break when I was on the train home. Now here I am five weeks after the break up feeling like it was the distance and his new course that meant we weren’t together and that maybe one day that might change once he had settled in and realised he missed me, struck with the nice headline that it was never that reason.
He just wanted someone new and found them nearby at his new university. My mistake. If he’d just been honest with that and that he’d didn’t want me at all and had moved on from me a long time ago this wouldn’t have dragged out. I wouldn’t have gotten a slight sense of anticipation each weekend thinking maybe he was going to surprise me and say he wanted to try and make it work. I wouldn’t be sat analysing every text in a new light and realising how stupid I had been. I would never have sent the present I did which revealed really personal things just 10 days before the Facebook post. I feel sick with embarrassment that I did especially when he was with already with someone else. If he had just been honest, it would have hurt at the time but I wouldn’t have wasted so much time since and be back at square one when I should be having fun for myself.
I haven’t spoken to him. It wont help, he’s moved on and as much as I would love to be that girl who can say they’re happy for them, right now I’m not. There is nothing I can say to him and there is no reply he could give to make me feel better. He hasn’t tried to get in touch, not that I would expect him to. Whilst, like I said, the relationship was great, sadly, the breakup has been awful and changed everything I had started to think and believe.
Writing out my feelings has helped though. Whilst some might question why post something so personal online especially when I’ve only just started blogging. Well I promised myself if I was going to do this blog I was going to be open and honest about everything, even the hard stuff and what better way to start? On a positive note one thing this whole thing has cemented though is how incredible my friends are. Even if they aren’t around all the time and are spread across the world they truly are special and I wouldn’t change them for the world. (As corny as that it.)
As I post this I’m about to go and enjoy myself. I’m ready to put me first again, stop apologising and feeling guilty for something that wasn’t all my fault. After all I am Queen B, flaws and all 😉